It has been a while since my last post, which is funny because almost daily I can come up with something to post about, but it never makes it to the keyboard. It is only typed out on the screen in my mind.
My days have been very hard for me lately. In my last post, I was replaying the last 7 months of my life, I rejoiced about my mom's recovery, but slowly I knew my mom was slipping away from me. At this point, I am not sure what is truly keeping her on this earth, only God knows, but I really hope and pray it is for something amazing.
There is an emptiness already inside my heart. An emptiness that yearns to be filled by something...something that only my mom and I shared. I doubt that will ever be filled and I know that over time, the emptiness will disappear, but for now, there is NOTHING that can replace a void like this. I regret that once I knew my mom was "better" back in January, I didn't call her like I would every day. I was waiting, waiting to make sure she was ok. And I got a call from her one afternoon and the words she spoke, still sting me today...
"Are you mad or upset with me? Why haven't you called?"
And those days that I waited to call her, I will never get back. It hurts me to know that my mom was upset with me at the same time for not calling her. For over the past month, she has laid in a bed unable to really communicate with anyone.
There are so many things I want my mom to see and things I want to do with her, but I will never have the chance to. I rejoice knowing she has experienced some of the new town I live in, but she won't visit my new house and see the wonderful nature surrounding our family. My mom taught be to love nature, birds, flowers, the smells. I want my mom to wake up in my house and enjoy coffee on our back deck over looking the woods. I want her to hold my children and teach them the nursery rhymes that they so much love and have grown to love, only because of her. I want her to call me up and tell me about the recipes she found in her latest magazine or on tv. It is these little things that mean more to me than most anything.
It is so hard to explain to our children or to others, the sadness of losing a parent. I have never experienced anything like this and I can say....
It hurts.
1 month ago
1 comments:
Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you, your dad and your whole family...I can't imagine how hard it is to have gone through this whole "slipping away" process...and though I know you're glad she's with Jesus and has a new body, that doesn't fill the ache that she's not here. Praying hard for you, and if there's anything we can do to stand in the gap with you, let me know.
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